Feeling down and out

I am just fed up. Do I even go through with a wedding? I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for my fiance or my kids… they are all just pissed or disappointed with me constantly. Everyone tells me and my fiance, the mess can wait with twin toddler boys, but he can’t do it and just bitches still. Says it’s my own fault the boys are the way they are. It hurts. I can only do so much. I am only one person. I can’t take my eyes off the boys now because they get into everything. Everything we haven’t childproofed (which isn’t much), they get into. I live everyday now in fear, or rather nervous (no he doesn’t hit me or really even yell at me) that he’s going to come home, see what the boys have done and what I couldn’t pick up in time, and just be mad and have an attitude all night while saying things under his breath. I feel like eventually all these times this happens will build up and he will resent me even though I am trying so hard. I am just not wired like him. I respect that about him but he doesn’t seem to about me.  I pretty much let my fiance live his life as he did prior to our kids. He still gets showers everyday, gets to eat meals in peace… Occasionally gets to go out to a social gathering. While I make due with probably 2-3 showers a week- have to wait until my kids are away or asleep to eat and going to target has a time expiration limit as to how long I can be gone even though pasive aggresively he tells me to take my time. I am tired. I need a break and I need more understanding. I think that is the biggest thing I need right now. My anxiety has been through the roof. We went to Vegas about a week ago and I only enjoyed the first two days. Got in a major fight at dinner on the third night and just wanted to go home right away the fourth day but I stupidly made a late flight in advance. I feel like it made my anxiety worse. I couldn’t relax, plus I had the stomach flu right before we left so I felt shitty the whole time anyway. I have only been outwardly dealing with the anxiety for about two-three weeks now and Jeremy basically is telling me that it’s been long enough. I am just spent. I need to get away from everything. I need to sleep a full 12 hours no interruptions. I need so many things right now and they just are not happening. On top of it I have to study and pass an extremely difficult exam I have failed twice. FML   

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Planning a wedding…

Well I am off to planning! Finally… I have everything… except a date! We will be having a DIY wedding for 80% of the plans… On top of raising 18 month old twin boys, working fulltime and studying for a test I need to pass. Ugh. Anyway I will be updating this blog hopefully soon with more parenting twin stories and wedding plans/tips! Much love XOXO

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